Smiling Life
by mamika
Summary: it's a little run through of Fai's life from Fai's pov. hard to explain. it's short, so it won't take long to read and see what's it all about. oneshot. faint kurofai. really faint.


sorry about this. it just really wanted to be written. it all started for a feeling of being scared of dying. that time can run out at any minute. and this is what came from that idea. I really hope it's not horrible and that you get something out of it. well, I let you look into it

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><p>He smiled to everyone.<p>

Ever since Ashura had taught him that smiling makes others happier, he had smiled nearly constantly.

It wasn't just so he would make others feel better. It was also so he could be happier himself. Occasionally it worked. There were times, mostly liquor induced, when he could just smile and push away the fact that his dear brother was dead. That all the people he had lived with had perished. That he had spent years in the bottom of a hole, walking on a piles of bodies.

But never since had smiling managed to overrun it. Not since he had put his precious king and savior to sleep and run off from the place he had learned to call home.

Since he had started running, he knew he was on borrowed time. He felt death gaining up on him, licking his heels. He avoided hurting others because he was certain it would make his fate catch him that much quicker.

But things just had to go worse. The ninja made such a strong impression to him, being so honest and straight person. Every time he saw Kurogane it reminded him how much he was hiding and how much he was hiding. Whilst the ninja stood his ground and faced whatever was thrown at him, he was running away as fast as he could, doing his best to turn a blind eye on things that hurt too much.

But the absolute worse part was the red eyes. Those were scrutinizing him and making him face his ghosts. Just because his heart had a soft spot towards the ninja, he had tried to face his demons.

It had been a mistake. It had made his smile inefficient to himself. He couldn't escape his thoughts nor the feeling that with every minute he was closer to perish. That at any moment could be his last.

He couldn't force himself eat. He was glad that the kids were too preoccupied with their own worries to notice how he was slipping away. He avoided mirrors because he feared that if he couldn't see himself in there but some sort of monster that would prove him how horrible he was.

And the red eyed seemed to reflect just like a mirror. It was just like Kurogane did see in his head and past. And the words

"stop smiling if you don't feel like it" cut like a knife. How could he stop smiling? It was the last thing between him and the horrible void that was his life. So he just smiled at the ninja and shook his head.

When they were in Acid Tokyo and Kurogane marched out on him, his legs gave out. A hysteric laughter escaped him. He could sense that the destiny had caught him. That he hadn't managed to build enough distance with what he had been running and with Kurogane trying to break his shield. He knew his smiles had run out.

That his life was over. But he wasn't as terrified about it as he had thought. The ninja had taught him to keep chin up when troubles knocked at the door. And even though the ninja would never know it, he would show his respect by leaving this life with a way Kurogane would approve. He would try to make things right.

And he was fed up anyway, he was tired of living in fear. So he went to the basement to meet Syaoran.

When he woke up he only had blurry recollections of what had happened. But he saw that he was still alive but weaker. His magic had lessened and his smile had left him. All the darkness and shadow he had kept at bay drowned him now. And it was all because of Kurogane. Why couldn't the ninja let go of him, he was not useful, he didn't want to go on anymore.

So he shielded himself with glared and coldness. And now the ninja let him be. It made it all the worse, if Kurogane could now let him be, why couldn't he have done it earlier? He had been denied his peace and he feared what death would claim instead of him. Anyone around him would be in danger.

He was growing more wary. It had been one thing to be scared of your own life, but now he was feeling guilty in advance and bitter that he would cause harm to someone else. He tried to vent some of the anguish to the ninja, mocking him and ignoring him whenever he could.

And then he realized that he hadn't learned anything from the ninja. He was still just hiding and running, he hadn't faced his monsters.

And now it had caused him to loose his king and his ninja. He watched in amazement how Kurogane cut his hand off for him. Despite all his faults Kurogane was willing to give such a sacrifice for hi. He had tried to do it for Syaoran, but for selfish reasons. He had wanted to escape.

He had been shown that masks were wrong. Useless. That he had had the wrong perspective of things. You shouldn't smile to feel happy. You should smile because you are happy.

You don't have to be strong for yourself. It is enough if you can be strong for someone else and risk everything for their sake.

First time in his life, he saw a totally different way of life. You can ask for help. It doesn't make you a burden. You can be reckless and throw your life away, but it doesn't make you strong.

When he saw Kurogane conscious, he felt a smile in his heart. He let it come out after he had smacked the ninja on the head. Then he smirked and Kurogane smirked back.

Now he knew what smiling really meant. And that his earlier smiles had been just mocking to a real smile.

And he had found out what living was. It wasn't about trying to stay safe and not to get hurt. It was about not worrying about getting hurt but just going on, doing what feels right.

After all, he smiled for real.

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><p>I'm nervous. was it bad? what do you think? I know, it's rather far from what I write, and that's all the more reasons for me to be concerned for this well-being. please comment, all thought are welcomed :)<p> 


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